Teeth at the Speed of Light

My teeth have been gypping me all day again. I said I'd tell you about the teeth anyway. I was always known for having pretty rotten teeth. My good friend Shane MacGowan out of the Pogues used to love to go out for a beer or two with me because when he stood next to me his manky choppers actually looked as if they had been manufactured by The Queen's Own Tooth Makers out of flawless diamonds...

So... I was asked last year by Marl to consider getting them seen to - well - if truth be told, she threatened to make me work an extra hour a week if I didn't get them fixed. She said that just because she hadn't kissed me for 17 years it didn't mean that it didn't make her ill to go to bed each night and see my hideous grin across the room as I snored off my beer.

Now, here in Spain dentists are about 40% cheaper than in England. Having said that, it was to cost €300,000 to have my teeth removed, sent to Holland to be re-profiled, sent on to South Africa to be hardened with a diamond coating and then forwarded to Switzerland to be fired round the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) particle accelerator at CERN at nearly the speed of light to see if they would withstand a miniature Big Bang.

As I only had €300 I opted to have them all taken out and replaced with falsies made of wood. I got two sets for the money though.. an upper AND a lower set...