Cats, Barbers and Boot Polish

I always liked Yul Brynner (Russian: Юлий Борúсович Брúннер). I always liked Telly Savalas (Greek: Television Savalas). I think men with bald heads seem to be able to act in films and on the box better than men with hair. I wrote to my good friend Greg Dyke at the BBC a while ago suggesting that he make all the 'actors' in that Eastenders shouty-screamy soap thing shave their heads in order to improve their acting. He replied that they had tried it - and it didn't work - he cited as examples the Mitchell brothers and that toerag that is the dad of the kid that looks like Prince Harry and is shagging the fat bird (Prince Harry's ex) who is more ugly than his own wife. I see his point...

Baldness suits humans. It suits cats somewhat less. I found this out the hard way. It all started when I went in the bar to have a beer with David. After about half an hour we had drunk about 8 pints each and decided to go home. Dave's been living with me and Marl ever since his first wife kicked him out about 20 years ago. One day I may tell you a bit more about all that. Anyway - me and Dave wandered home via some other bars. Suffice it to say, when woke up in the lounge at home we were both covered in what looked like - well - it's hard to say - but it was brown - and stank...

After about an hour David realised that there was an empty jar of Marmite in the corner of the room, balanced on top of that portrait of Marl dressed up as The Last Empress of China. Then it dawned on us that we were covered in sticky brown stinky Marmite, not, as we had supposed, BOVRIL. The trouble was - so was one of the cats...

If you have ever tried to shave a cat with a Lady-shave you will know not to bother. We didn't have a Lady-shave to try, as Marl gets her shave at the barber on the corner (or at least she did until he closed down suddenly, saying that he hadn't worked as a barber for 80 years in order to wind-up shaving English ladies), so we used Dave's old wind-up electric shaver from the Korean war.

After a while it worked, and the cat was free of Marmite. It was also pissed, as that was the only way we could get it to keep still... The trouble is now that instead of having four black cats, we have three black cats and a pink one. Marl is due back before too long and I think she will notice. The question is this - do we cover the pink cat in black boot polish or do we shave the rest and tell Marl that they all came down with Spanish cat flu that led to alopecia...